Writing scares me. I love it, but it scares me. It’s an unpredictable, humbling monster-thingy that haunts me in my dreams.
The writing part of writing is not so bad. I park my butt behind my computer and start typing. Sometimes the words flow. Sometimes they bleed out of me, but more often they don’t. Sometimes I discover a dark truth about myself. Sometimes I think I’m awesome. Sometimes I laugh or cry or grin like an evil maniac. It’s scary, but kind of fun. Like a rollercoaster ride or climbing Half Dome.
My Preciousss
Then comes the not-fun part: sharing my writing with someone else. The thing is: I wrote this story. The whole thing is in my head and my head alone. Yes, it’s also on my computer, but it’s still a private thing. It is mine – my preciousss. It is my world filled with my characters. It’s my love. There is no one to judge it but me.
To let someone else read what I’ve spent all this time creating is daunting. The hours and feelings and truths, the patience and hard work, the love will no longer be just mine.
What If I Suck?
The thought of sharing my story has me questioning: What if the story isn’t finished? What if it doesn’t work? What if wanting to see this story published is a foolish dream? What if all the hours I spent in my writing cave were for nothing?
What if I suck as a writer?
These questions scare the crap out of me.
Handing over my work to someone else might be pulling the trigger on everything I’ve worked for. So, I’m stalling: if I don’t share my story, the answers remain open and I can pretend that my words are good. The story works. Getting published is not a foolish dream. I don’t suck as a writer.
On Being Brave
But let’s face it: I need to get over my fear. I need to set it aside, or push through it, or kick its butt – whatever works. I need to be brave so that one day, other people can read my story. Perhaps they will laugh and cry and grin like an evil maniac, just like I did. And maybe, if I’m lucky, they will love the story, just like I do.
The thought is scary, but kind of fun.